I like to think of myself as someone who can be quite balanced. Or at least almost there. I've experienced true peace for months before and it was absolutely beautiful. But sometimes in life, no matter how balanced, some butt head shows up to shake things up a bit. Sometimes its not someone but something, an experience, a loss. These people and things show up and leave a suitcase with the words Shadow Work written all on it for you to sort through and rid yourself of. And that's when IT becomes all too real.
Some of you all are probably completely lost, so let me explain.
Sometimes things are all butterflies and rainbows and then you see a lovely looking unicorn out of the corner of your eye. Unexpectedly, that unicorn starts mass murdering all the pretty things in YOUR space and then leaves the mess for you to clean up.
The big question is do you clean it all up now or allow yourself to wallow and mourn first?
My theory is that if you allow yourself to wallow, mourn and experience pain / disappointment for at least a day without trying to clean the mess up, you will feel 100 times better later on.
The problem is as soon as bad things happen to us, we don't allow ourselves to feel. We think immediately, what to do now? How do I fix this?
But ask yourself, at a point of brokenness and immediate surprise of disappointment are you able to think rationally at all?
I mean, yea there are some natural born problem solvers but when it comes to emotional experiences the best thing for you to do is to feel.
Lay down and cry for the day. Call out of work. Find a babysitter.
You won't regret it.
When you clean the mess up too quickly and don't allow yourself to confront pain or disappointment those feelings grow stronger and manifest into anger, frustration and even discord. Don't let your feelings fester, attend to them. Pain needs attention not years later but as it arrives.
A few days ago my biological father disappointed me yet again with his narcissistic ways. As a child he rarely ever showed up even after claiming he was on his way to me. I'd wait hours and sometimes a whole day in an outfit that took me forever to pick out because I wanted to look perfect for him. I strived to make him proud, to be the best I could be so that he would begin showing up in my life more often.
After years of disappointment and him calling me out of my name, and telling me lies about my mother I began to give up. I was terrified of messaging him or responding to his texts and calls because nothing good ever really came of it. Some way or another he'd remind me of how worthless of a daughter I am and how he never cared about my feelings or who I was becoming.
Sad news of my grandmother, his mothers passing made me a little more gentle on him. I know losing a parent is one of the hardest things a person can go through. I decided to open my heart back up to him, with hope of a better relationship. I could see myself becoming that little girl again. But with a husband and a child I reminded myself to be aware.
We had texted back and forth for months after last seeing each other at my grandmothers home going service and things were going okay. But then I began seeing old patterns.
Him : No, weekdays aren't good for me.
Him : I have a warrant out for my arrest so I'd have to sneak out to see you
Him : I have expired tags so I'd have to be careful
Him : I only have a scooter right now but I'll try to come see you.
Same ole same ole excuses. They're quite good too but if they haven't gotten you for that same damn warrant from 15 years ago, I'm not sure they're looking anymore.
At that point I became a tad frustrated because every time I threw a date out there, it wasn't good or he didn't respond in time to make that date. Then he'd start the conversation all over again as if I needed to find a way for my relationship to work with my parent who chose to miss out on my life.
After many failed attempts I figured I'd try something different.
Me : Hey send me two dates that are for sure good for you and me and hubby will pick one of them and that will be our date.
This way I make it completely simple for him and let him lead.
Boy o boy that back fired.
Reading his next texts created instant heart break. Sitting there with tears rushing to my eyes and my heart falling into my belly, I broke.
He told me that he was tired of my bs. And that I needed to come see him.
Basically implying that he doesn't need to come to me in any case and it made me feel worthless yet again waiting on my sperm donor to show up for me.
He said that he needed things to be simple for him.
Thinking to myself, he hasn't changed a bit. Why did I try this again?
It was as if that little girl was me again and my biological father finally reached out after 5 years telling me he'd love to grab a meal together and he's on his way to pick me up. Excitement led me to begin preparing for it, thinking wow my dads finally going to be my dad. BAM. No show. No response or explanation. But then out of no where he responds to that 7 year old me telling her that she should've come out there to him and called him when she got to some place she was completely unfamiliar with.
Well that was the last time I had held my tongue. I told him that my heart still aches from the times he never showed up and that him calling me trying to move forward with him b.s is proof that we don't have a relationship at all. If he wants things to be convienent for him but never thinks about how painful and complicated they are for me then it's not going to work. I told him in no way am I coming to see him anymore after countless times of me having to figure out on my end how to get out there to where he is.
Of course he had a lot to say. Cursing me out. Telling me I need to apologize for the things I've said. Continuously repeating that he's waiting on an apology from me and that I am wrong about everything I think.
All I could do was feel. I knew I had to feel so that I could release it all. I cried, realizing that once again I have to let my dad go because he hasn't changed and still believes I'm the parent in the relationship except for when he feels an apology is necessary. I couldn't keep reliving the same experiences over and over with him, re opening wounds that should never have been there in the first place.
All day I didn't try to fix anything. I didn't work at all. I didn't do anything but feel. I faced my pain, tried to understand her. Gave her time to express herself and it was the most magical cleansing experience I'd ever had.
Well it was a crappy day but I allowed it to be. Because I knew tomorrow I had sh*t to do. I had a life to live. I didn't want to cry about it today, tomorrow and all of next month. I wanted one day to purge. That day was a day of wallowing but the next day was a day a rejuvenation and building myself back up.
It's been days and I haven't thought much about it at all until my aunt checked up on me. I had almost forgotten about it.
I realized that true release happens after facing the truth and sometimes the truth hurts. But that's okay.
Allow a day to wallow, then tomorrow you better bounce back.
And it may arise again, just repeat and proceed. Let yourself be as complete as you can possibly be by facing all that you are, to include your truest emotions.
5 Feb 2021