The week was getting rougher by the day. Weeks beforehand were consumed with anxiety due to the consistent sad news I received from loved ones, friends, and the media. Sadness began to consume me. It started to feel like I was grieving my happiness because it didn't seem realistic after what I was experiencing and witnessing in the world.
I've done the ups and downs in life, but this down seemed like a ditch that I couldn't see my way out of. Each new piece of sad information was causing this ditch to turn into something more like quicksand.
I was holding my breath to get through each day because I felt like if I were to breathe too deeply, I'd drown in my tears.
I began holding inside my feminine energy as a protection mechanism because I felt like I had to toughen up to bare what may or may not come to beat me down and sink me further. This drew me further from the people in my life. I called loved ones less, hung out with friends less, escaped hugs, and even ran from proof of love.
For some reason, I felt like I couldn't let anyone in. I couldn't reveal what I was going through because no one deserved the burden. I could feel my heart sinking right along with me, but I didn't have time to notice it, face it, and heal it. At least, that's what my ego told me.
Each day I was becoming "stronger and stronger," or at least that is what I believed. I worked hard, came home, and the nights passed me by. I couldn't even listen, let alone hear what people were saying to me. I dreaded having to pet my dog or cats because I didn't want to connect. I had become one big disconnection.
My broken heart started to turn into a heart condition. Holding my breath had turned into a physically present lung dysfunction.
This strength that I believed I was portraying was, in truth, making me weaker. Forcing me to be vulnerable. Forcing me to hear my mind, body, and spirit.
I was stubborn. But it felt like energy specifically was drawing me further down the hole I was in. We were Bonnie and Clyde, robbing me of my joy. Any sign of happiness and anxiety would return for a quick visit reminding me that happiness doesn't last long. A flashback of trauma revealed that I still had work to do, and there was no time to "play."
I had a heightened spiritual moment and the realization that revealed to me I was becoming the sadness. I was choosing it daily. I was sitting in it, literally like a soiled pair of pants. I wouldn't change it, even though I knew it reeked.
I started arguing those negative feelings and thoughts and talking myself through the anxiety. It took a while to believe the arguments, but it started to get more natural as time passed. It was almost as if each negative thought automatically had a positive thought following. I started to have less chest pain, less panic attacks, and a few other symptoms subsided.
Following the entry of this self-work, I ended up in the ER due to my heart rate being over 140 bpm. That was horrifying. I hadn't realized how much I had been neglecting myself. I then decided that I deserved better.
This decision initiated me to reach out to friends to let them know what I was going through, and they recommended holistic therapies I could try. One of the therapies was magnet therapy. I was starting to see it as an option to get out of this funk that was not only mentally and emotionally affecting me but physically affecting my body. The moment I started to see it as an option to feel better and live better, I was able to create my own fate.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot that I could choose to receive healing, happiness, and goodness.
I started listening to sound bath music (specific for what I needed), solfeggio frequencies, giving more gratitude daily, resting more, and treating my body with caution. I began feeling better, but I didn't feel quite whole yet.
I then tried magnet therapy for my body; it was so incredibly beautiful and helpful. It aided me in a huge spiritual and physical detox. Following the magnet therapy, I felt like my mental state needed more help, especially because right after I walked out of my magnet therapy appointment, I received the news that my young cousin had passed.
In that moment, I noticed that there will always be something. There will always be chaos. But I must at least have peace in my mind. I was able to give gratitude for my cousin's life and the joy he brought to everyone he came in contact with instead of being so consumed in anger for him being gone too soon.
I knew I needed a boost, and I kept looking outside of myself, and my spirit said, "use your superpower." I wondered what that meant but it was not too long before I was reminded that I have special healing gifts.
As a service provider, it is was so easy for me to forget the superpowers that I have used to heal so many individuals in the world.
I could continue to use those same powers on myself. My spirit reminded me of that.
I thought to myself, how dare I call myself a Reiki Master if I forget to use it on myself when I most need it? My spirit was much more gentle, reminding me that it naturally happens for givers. Givers often forget to give back to themselves because they consume their time giving to others. A part of self-care is using your strengths and superpowers to build yourself up just as you do for others.
Self-care is not an option but instead a necessity.
Due to the amount of lowness I felt, I told myself my superpower (gift of being a Reiki Master) wouldn't be as effective. So I used it on one of my cousins as she was on a ventilator, and only told my husband so we could see if it helped, and the following day she was released from the ICU and off the ventilator. It was a sign. Why would I not use this gift to continue healing?
I sent reiki to my cousin again, and then during the distant reiki, I saw myself and realized it was time to put that same energy into myself. I meditated, prayed, and allowed myself to receive my superpower. I did Reiki and right afterwards felt so much of a boost in every way. To think I was neglecting myself and my superpower was preposterous to me.
Why didn't I think I could be a major part of my healing when I had already done so many times?
I looked outward, constantly hoping someone else could fix my problems, and although there were people along the journey that helped, I was missing the self-care component. The world may make it seem like self-care is superficial and self-obsessed but it is healing. Self-care is the reminder that you are worthy. It is your way of saying thank you and I love you.
Never forget your superpower, and always use it for your own benefit and others.
If you don't know your superpower, ask around what people's favorite thing is about you and what you do for others. Your superpower can be cooking through your soul, buying the best gifts, dancing majestically, praying powerfully, or simply being. Whatever it is, use it when you are at your highest, lowest, and every moment in between. Don't forget about your superpowers when you need them most.
With love and gratitude,
Lina
August 3, 2023
Written by Pearline Muckelvene
Lina Mystic Oracle LLC